Losing your confidence... the impact of two days at #EducationFest.
I don't usually write about personal thoughts and reflections when I blog. My usual approach to blogging is sporadic and usually just a summary of talks I have attended or things I have read or would like to try in my teaching. But this blog is a little different and maybe it is foolish to reflect so honestly and so publically but maybe a little humility in leadership is okay from time to time.
I attended the Telegraph Festival of Education on Thursday and Friday of last week and it lived up to my description of it as a 'CPD spa break for educators'. As always it was thought provoking, inspiring and insightful. And it got me reflecting. A lot.
The combination of Jill Berry's talk on transitioning in leadership, David Weston's talk on unleashing greatness in teachers and Alex Quigley's session on confidence led me to a startling conclusion. I have lost my confidence. In my teaching, in my leadership, in relation to my career. I have entirely lost my confidence and for the first time in a long time, the day to day act of going to work has felt like wandering through a fog. I listened to David Weston and his thoughts on quality CPD were what I already knew - I have spent a long time reading and researching what makes CPD meaningful and yet somehow over the last year, I have allowed my CPD programme to be a shadow of what it should be. I have allowed it to detach itself from the core business of teaching and learning and I haven't developed the impact side of the work to the extent I always promised I would. I don't know why but I have. As a result I have produced something that I am not proud of and does not reflect what I wanted it to be. I heard in three separate talks that self confidence comes from achievement and on this measure I have not achieved. And I think maybe that has knocked my confidence, at least in part. It was particularly kind of David to find time to give me some advice at the end of his session on where to go next so I do at least have the beginnings of a plan. It is not just a leadership issue though, I feel as though I have lost my sense of identity in the classroom, I find myself constantly questioning and doubting what I am doing - perhaps that is part of teaching less or perhaps it is natural but I love teaching and I want to be good at it. I want students to get a good deal from me and right now I have no idea whether they do or not. So I shall take Alex Quigley's advice and start playing with the 20% of my teaching that will make 80% of the difference. And I will start playing with my teaching again - trying different things until I find the thing that works.
So that will address the teaching... But what about the leadership? For this, I found Jill Berry's session especially useful. She talked about transitioning from one leadership role to another and as I sat in the session I felt a tremendous sense of relief. She (and we) described and identified issues that people experience when they transition from one leadership role to another, considering the differences between internal and external promotion and it was like she was reading my mind. I think perhaps I underestimated the impact that working in a new context with new expectations and without the comfort of a familiar context and developed support network can have. I worked in one school for ten years and was pretty comfortable there and having moved to a new and unfamiliar context, perhaps I have struggled more than I realised. The best thing about the session though was the reminder that I don't have to be a perfect deputy to perform the role of deputy - I am allowed to build the bridge as I walk it. I need to look at my role and work out the things that I am finding challenging and work out what I need to do to tackle those issues that challenge me. I work on a team of incredibly brilliant and experienced leaders and at times I am intimidated by that. In reality it means I have an incredible pool of support to learn from and draw on but maybe I need to ask for help a little more than I do instead of walking around feeling like I might get caught out at any second. The concept of 'imposter syndrome' is used lots but it summarises quite accurately how I feel in my weaker moments.
The last session I attended across the two days was Alex Quigley's session on the Confident Teacher/Confident Student. He talked about lots of superb points but something that resonated with me was his points about time. When you are losing confidence, you need time - time to reflect, time to coach and to be coached. When we lose our confidence we suffer from the spotlight effect - we zoom in on the things we are struggling with and over emphasise the negative. Teaching is stressful, leading is stressful and it always will be. How we deal with and address that stress is critical. This made me think about my immediate response to stress - when I feel stressed and under pressure, I respond by filling my time, doing more, working harder, trying to achieve more and in doing so I take away the thing I need most - time to think, to reflect and in doing so I open myself up to more stress. What was most helpful about Alex's session however was the practical advice - losing confidence? Do four things: have an expert experience, observe people, physically present as confident, take praise when it is offered and believe it.
In addition to these sessions, there was also great advice from Clive Woodward (analyse success rather than analysing failure) and John Amaechi (be more Jedi). Am I magically feeling wonderfully confident and ready to face the week? No. Do I have a greater self awareness of the things that I am struggling with and a willingness to ask for help? I think I do. So apologies for the self indulgent post but thank you Wellington College, Clive Woodward, John Amaechi, Jill Berry, Alex Quigley and David Weston for a much needed pick me up.
I attended the Telegraph Festival of Education on Thursday and Friday of last week and it lived up to my description of it as a 'CPD spa break for educators'. As always it was thought provoking, inspiring and insightful. And it got me reflecting. A lot.
The combination of Jill Berry's talk on transitioning in leadership, David Weston's talk on unleashing greatness in teachers and Alex Quigley's session on confidence led me to a startling conclusion. I have lost my confidence. In my teaching, in my leadership, in relation to my career. I have entirely lost my confidence and for the first time in a long time, the day to day act of going to work has felt like wandering through a fog. I listened to David Weston and his thoughts on quality CPD were what I already knew - I have spent a long time reading and researching what makes CPD meaningful and yet somehow over the last year, I have allowed my CPD programme to be a shadow of what it should be. I have allowed it to detach itself from the core business of teaching and learning and I haven't developed the impact side of the work to the extent I always promised I would. I don't know why but I have. As a result I have produced something that I am not proud of and does not reflect what I wanted it to be. I heard in three separate talks that self confidence comes from achievement and on this measure I have not achieved. And I think maybe that has knocked my confidence, at least in part. It was particularly kind of David to find time to give me some advice at the end of his session on where to go next so I do at least have the beginnings of a plan. It is not just a leadership issue though, I feel as though I have lost my sense of identity in the classroom, I find myself constantly questioning and doubting what I am doing - perhaps that is part of teaching less or perhaps it is natural but I love teaching and I want to be good at it. I want students to get a good deal from me and right now I have no idea whether they do or not. So I shall take Alex Quigley's advice and start playing with the 20% of my teaching that will make 80% of the difference. And I will start playing with my teaching again - trying different things until I find the thing that works.
So that will address the teaching... But what about the leadership? For this, I found Jill Berry's session especially useful. She talked about transitioning from one leadership role to another and as I sat in the session I felt a tremendous sense of relief. She (and we) described and identified issues that people experience when they transition from one leadership role to another, considering the differences between internal and external promotion and it was like she was reading my mind. I think perhaps I underestimated the impact that working in a new context with new expectations and without the comfort of a familiar context and developed support network can have. I worked in one school for ten years and was pretty comfortable there and having moved to a new and unfamiliar context, perhaps I have struggled more than I realised. The best thing about the session though was the reminder that I don't have to be a perfect deputy to perform the role of deputy - I am allowed to build the bridge as I walk it. I need to look at my role and work out the things that I am finding challenging and work out what I need to do to tackle those issues that challenge me. I work on a team of incredibly brilliant and experienced leaders and at times I am intimidated by that. In reality it means I have an incredible pool of support to learn from and draw on but maybe I need to ask for help a little more than I do instead of walking around feeling like I might get caught out at any second. The concept of 'imposter syndrome' is used lots but it summarises quite accurately how I feel in my weaker moments.
The last session I attended across the two days was Alex Quigley's session on the Confident Teacher/Confident Student. He talked about lots of superb points but something that resonated with me was his points about time. When you are losing confidence, you need time - time to reflect, time to coach and to be coached. When we lose our confidence we suffer from the spotlight effect - we zoom in on the things we are struggling with and over emphasise the negative. Teaching is stressful, leading is stressful and it always will be. How we deal with and address that stress is critical. This made me think about my immediate response to stress - when I feel stressed and under pressure, I respond by filling my time, doing more, working harder, trying to achieve more and in doing so I take away the thing I need most - time to think, to reflect and in doing so I open myself up to more stress. What was most helpful about Alex's session however was the practical advice - losing confidence? Do four things: have an expert experience, observe people, physically present as confident, take praise when it is offered and believe it.
In addition to these sessions, there was also great advice from Clive Woodward (analyse success rather than analysing failure) and John Amaechi (be more Jedi). Am I magically feeling wonderfully confident and ready to face the week? No. Do I have a greater self awareness of the things that I am struggling with and a willingness to ask for help? I think I do. So apologies for the self indulgent post but thank you Wellington College, Clive Woodward, John Amaechi, Jill Berry, Alex Quigley and David Weston for a much needed pick me up.
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